Achieve Solutions | Rituals to Honor the Memory of Loved Ones (2024)

Landmark dates and experiences, like holidays, milestones, and anniversaries, are triggers for grief reactions, says Leslie Delp, Founder and Bereavement Specialist at Olivia’s House, a nationally recognized grief and loss center for children. At those times, people realize what it means that their loved one will not be there. They may fear that enjoying these events betrays their loved one. Rituals can help people deal with grief on important dates. Different religious and spiritual beliefs have their own ways to remember or memorialize those who died.

Using rituals to let go and remember

A ritual is an action or tradition that stands for ideas or thoughts. Some are formal, like a flag raising ceremony. Some are more relaxed, like bringing flowers to people in the hospital. Rituals can help grieving people remember and feel connected to lost loved ones.

Some people continue beloved traditions. For instance, they may hang a loved one’s stocking at Christmas. But this does not work for everyone. Jack’s father took him camping every June. He died in November, so Jack had time to decide what to do in June. He decided not to go camping. It would not be the same, and that would feel bad.

Delp suggests creating “new rituals to take that lost person with you.” Remember Jack? He missed that camping trip. The next June, he wrote his father a letter about his life and put it into a campfire. This ritual was calming, and he felt close to his father.

Some rituals happen once and symbolize letting go. One family celebrated every birthday with ice cream cake because the father had loved it. Others start scholarships or nonprofit organizations. After disasters such as the September 11 terrorist attacks or at war memorials, names of the deceased are printed on lasting tablets and monuments for others to visit and remember.

Other ritual ideas:

• Make a rock garden.
• Plant a tree of remembrance.
• Make a donation to a charity.
• Create art for your loved one.
• Cook his favorite dish for yourself or a gathering.
• Write her a letter to keep or “send” in some way.
• Keep a scrapbook about him.
• Design or sew a memory quilt with fabrics that have meaning to you.
• Wrap a present and bring it to a charity on her birthday.
• Ask family and friends to write her notes to be read aloud or displayed on a holiday.
• At Christmas, make or paint a new ornament or decorate a separate tree.

You may not need your rituals forever. Delp describes parents who began 5K events in honor of their son’s death. It made them feel good to raise money for a charity. After 15 years, it became too much to handle. It felt like a chore. Their therapist assured them it was not quitting to be done with this ritual. Eventually, they handed it over to others.

Caring for yourself

Take care of yourself during these events. Get enough rest. Try hot baths or a massage. Eat healthy foods in moderation that comfort you. Exercise is good for the body and the mind. Taking walks or doing yoga are great ways to start moving your body. Avoid leaning on drugs or alcohol.

There is no wrong way to feel at these times. Let yourself grieve. Ignoring your feelings will not make them go away. If guilt is an issue, be gentle with yourself. Blame only makes grief harder.

Sharing the loss of your loved one can help. Friends and family may be eager to listen or to talk about your loved ones. Support groups may also help you deal with your grief. Many people have gone through what you are going through. It may also help to talk to a therapist or other professional leading up to or during these times. She can help you manage your grief so it does not overwhelm you.

By Beth Landau

©2015-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: AARP, www.aarp.org; American Cancer Society, www.cancer.org; American Psychological Association, www.apa.org; Leslie Delp, Founder and Bereavement Specialist at Oliviaﾒs House; Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, www.samhsa.gov; University of Texas at Austin, ﾓGrief and Loss,ﾔ http://cmhc.utexas.edu/griefloss.html

Landmark dates and experiences, like holidays, milestones, and anniversaries, are triggers for grief reactions, says Leslie Delp, Founder and Bereavement Specialist at Olivia’s House, a nationally recognized grief and loss center for children. At those times, people realize what it means that their loved one will not be there. They may fear that enjoying these events betrays their loved one. Rituals can help people deal with grief on important dates. Different religious and spiritual beliefs have their own ways to remember or memorialize those who died.

Using rituals to let go and remember

A ritual is an action or tradition that stands for ideas or thoughts. Some are formal, like a flag raising ceremony. Some are more relaxed, like bringing flowers to people in the hospital. Rituals can help grieving people remember and feel connected to lost loved ones.

Some people continue beloved traditions. For instance, they may hang a loved one’s stocking at Christmas. But this does not work for everyone. Jack’s father took him camping every June. He died in November, so Jack had time to decide what to do in June. He decided not to go camping. It would not be the same, and that would feel bad.

Delp suggests creating “new rituals to take that lost person with you.” Remember Jack? He missed that camping trip. The next June, he wrote his father a letter about his life and put it into a campfire. This ritual was calming, and he felt close to his father.

Some rituals happen once and symbolize letting go. One family celebrated every birthday with ice cream cake because the father had loved it. Others start scholarships or nonprofit organizations. After disasters such as the September 11 terrorist attacks or at war memorials, names of the deceased are printed on lasting tablets and monuments for others to visit and remember.

Other ritual ideas:

• Make a rock garden.
• Plant a tree of remembrance.
• Make a donation to a charity.
• Create art for your loved one.
• Cook his favorite dish for yourself or a gathering.
• Write her a letter to keep or “send” in some way.
• Keep a scrapbook about him.
• Design or sew a memory quilt with fabrics that have meaning to you.
• Wrap a present and bring it to a charity on her birthday.
• Ask family and friends to write her notes to be read aloud or displayed on a holiday.
• At Christmas, make or paint a new ornament or decorate a separate tree.

You may not need your rituals forever. Delp describes parents who began 5K events in honor of their son’s death. It made them feel good to raise money for a charity. After 15 years, it became too much to handle. It felt like a chore. Their therapist assured them it was not quitting to be done with this ritual. Eventually, they handed it over to others.

Caring for yourself

Take care of yourself during these events. Get enough rest. Try hot baths or a massage. Eat healthy foods in moderation that comfort you. Exercise is good for the body and the mind. Taking walks or doing yoga are great ways to start moving your body. Avoid leaning on drugs or alcohol.

There is no wrong way to feel at these times. Let yourself grieve. Ignoring your feelings will not make them go away. If guilt is an issue, be gentle with yourself. Blame only makes grief harder.

Sharing the loss of your loved one can help. Friends and family may be eager to listen or to talk about your loved ones. Support groups may also help you deal with your grief. Many people have gone through what you are going through. It may also help to talk to a therapist or other professional leading up to or during these times. She can help you manage your grief so it does not overwhelm you.

By Beth Landau

©2015-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: AARP, www.aarp.org; American Cancer Society, www.cancer.org; American Psychological Association, www.apa.org; Leslie Delp, Founder and Bereavement Specialist at Oliviaﾒs House; Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, www.samhsa.gov; University of Texas at Austin, ﾓGrief and Loss,ﾔ http://cmhc.utexas.edu/griefloss.html

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